Dear Diary...

Wedding Anxiety & Overnight Sailing

The wedding is just over a week away and despite outward appearances, I am highly stressed and riddled with anxiety. Anyone would think I was the one getting married and not my sister. There’s so much that could go wrong though, especially with the Corona virus edging ever closer to our town. There’s every chance we won’t be allowed to travel by Thursday, which is causing me major anxiety issues. Bear’s work has already ‘suggested’ not to.

Another issue is that because she’s my sister, I won’t be able to just melt into the background unobserved and become my usual forgettable self. This is an up close and personal experience and one that I don’t want to be remembered for screwing up. I’m going to have to be on display for photos and be sociable with people I don’t know, smiling a lot and chatting with confidence and I just don’t have the energy for all that as well as keeping up my reputation for being the crazy sister.!

Something I used to use to it’s fullest potential when I was younger and had the energy and confidence to not give a shit what people thought of my antics. But I’m not young anymore and while I still don’t give a shit what people think, I’m very much concerned about what my sister and her new husband will think of me. Hence the demure black dress and proper coloured hair. ‘Mutton dressed as lamb’ is not a label I need.

There’s also the problem of the ferry. A 13 hour overnight sail from Amsterdam into Newcastle Upon Tyne. I barely sleep as it is and only when everything is quiet and still… a ferry bobbing up and down like a yo-yo is not going to be conducive to a good night’s sleep and I’m going to be stuck with it for 13 hours.! I’m seriously considering a sedative. I’ve already packed the anti-sickness pills and made sure I have enough books on my iPad to keep me going…

Genealogy, The Mommy & Predatory Monopoly… Again.!

The past few days have been full of genealogy, as I was trying to track down members of the Stone family for a friend… it’s fascinating stuff, for me anyway. This branch of the family’s origins began in Lancashire, England in the early 16th century and ended up in Maryland, Virginia, Kentucky, Ohio and Indiana by the mid-19th century. By the mid-20th century, they were in Missouri, Oklahoma and Texas.

My tattoo is still weeping a little ink and is a bit red around mid-shin on both legs. I hope it’s not getting infected. I’ve been smearing Bepanthen cream on twice a day for the past 6 days.

The kids arrived Saturday morning and went back this morning to school. They’re moving house today, so we kept them overnight so they weren’t underfoot while their Mother and Stepdad got ready for the removal company this morning. We went to the Mommy’s yesterday and had red cabbage mash and sausages, home made ‘wafels’ and chocolate eggs… I wore my new shoes to show her and to practice walking on different surfaces. I’ve remembered how to walk on high heels, after having not worn them in 11 years, I just have to concentrate on not turning my ankle… A&E is not where I want to be in the next three weeks.

We played Monopoly with the kids again last night… and this time the girl child cried. I went in with a bang, with double six, double four and double two… bought the properties I landed on, then went to jail… no problem… I left them standing. 😀 Bear didn’t even make it once around the board before I’d been round twice. He got a card that made one of his opponent’s have to pay for all the properties in one colour, and chose the girl child, who didn’t have a lot of money, but had a ton load of property. She cried, so he changed his mind and didn’t play it. Soft touch.!

He ended up leaving the game after the boy child got the ‘property stealing’ card from the pack and saved it until Bear had hotels on all the pale blue properties, then stole them from him. It went downhill rapidly from there, as the boy child also had the ‘property stealing cancel’ card, so he couldn’t be stopped and we decided he’d won only because we couldn’t afford to oppose him. Pretty damn savage though, waiting until your father has hotels on the only full set of properties he has and then taking them from him. That boy might well be a decent opponent in time.

This morning I made Carrot and Kidney bean burgers. Bear is on a late shift today, so they’re quick and easy. I also made a spiced carrot, red onion and sweet chili pepper salsa to go with them, so that should keep his need for spicy food fed.

Matters Of Communication & The Wrong Shoes

Yesterday was another dull, uninteresting day. I spent it working on genealogy and browsing through shoe store websites, whilst listening to classic rave tunes. Bear and I are still a little distant since the blow-up on Sunday, but we’re getting there. We chatted about the wedding, travel plans and social commitments that are causing me a great deal of stress, and my hopes to see my son when we get to the UK.

Who seems to be well on his way to getting fired. Yet again his mouth has run away with him and gotten him into a whole shit ton of trouble. Great.! So much for being responsible and mature… we’re currently conducting another 3+ hour phone conversation over Messenger. 😀 He wants a new job, but he seems to have exhausted pretty much every employment company in his area.

It would be a good idea for him to move, but unfortunately he can’t drive and can’t afford to learn to. Life sucks for him at the moment and he gets frustrated and depressed and vents to me, which is totally fine, but it leaves me feeling helpless because I can’t help him. 😦 My new shoes have arrived and are not the ones I wanted. The new ones are shiny leather, the ones I wanted are a matt black crepe. 😦 I knew I shouldn’t have let Bear re-order them.

I already know I’m going to need plasters under my ankle bones… I’m planning to wear the shoes for an hour a day until the wedding… ouch.! Now that my son has gone to shower I plan on getting some laundry done and then resuming my genealogy work from yesterday.

Shitty Non-Days & Anxiety Come-Down

Yesterday got written off as a non-day. Needless to say it was one of those days where naff all gets done because my energy levels were non-existent. Today is proceeding the same way. I had to get up when Bear left for work because the bin men are coming today to collect all the plastic and packaging waste and all our bags were down in the cellar. I’ve done the housework and now am exhausted. The anxiety come-down is a bitch. I have a headache, feel lethargic and emotionally drained and have no appetite.

We had to wrap my lower legs in cling film (saran wrap) last night because the ink had found more little wrinkles in the tattoo film to leak out of… thankfully yesterday’s bed linen is clean… the ink came out. We’ll be taking all the wrappings off my legs this evening… it’s been 72 hours and I really need to shower. I hate having black ink smears all over my skin. Obviously for tonight I’ll be wearing my comfies to bed, just in case the tattoos haven’t stopped leaking.

I’d rather have traces of black ink on my black leggings, than on my white sheets even if it did wash out of the other linen easily. Right now I have Spotify playing my Chooooooooonz playlist and I’m endeavouring to organise a meal plan and shopping list for the rest of this week. Thinking about food makes me feel sick so I’m just planning a simple cheese and tomato pasta for tonight. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

One Wrong Word Will Get You Gutted Like A Fish….

Yesterday I had the stocking seam tattoo done. Bear’s tattoo artist friend was actually pretty good and the results of her work are acceptable. It’s not painful but now I’m leaking black ink all over the place.

It’s Sunday, so it’s a lazy day. I have a headache, my legs ache and one wrong word will get you gutted like a fish. I was kept awake until gone 3am by my shithead neighbours partying, shouting their goddamned mouths off in the street and attempting to sing to Pink Floyd on their TV at the top of their lungs.

So I’m tired, pissed off and on the verge of beating someone’s brains in with a brick… Anyone’s, I don’t care whose. I’ll deal with the neighbours later. Right now I’m trying to concentrate on reading, writing and not listening to the shitty sport on TV that’s mind-numbingly dull and been on for five hours already.!

I have things to do, but I can’t be assed. It’s all going to have to wait until such time as I’m in the mood. Dinner will be whatever I can be bothered to make with whatever is still in the fridge and next week’s meal plan is going to have to wait until tomorrow.

Bras, Shoes & Ferry Crossings

Bear went into town to collect our wedding gear from the tailor’s, and other than a little wonky stitching, they did a great job and the clothes fit perfectly. The straps they made from the halter neck are easy to get in and out of, which was a concern because they’re nice and snug. Now to wash everything and get it packed away in a tuxedo carry-bag. Next on the agenda is a bandeau bra to go under the dress. That’ll be a challenge, I don’t even know if they make them in an E cup.

My shoes arrived this afternoon, only to be too small. A US size 9 is not an EU size 39… as the website stated. I wish these people would get their sizes correct, it’s such a pain in the ass having to send stuff back and re-order and have to wait yet another week for the new stuff to arrive. At this rate I’m going to have a week to break the new shoes in before wearing them for 11 hours straight. 😦 I have a hair appointment a few days before the wedding, to have the blonde’ish part of my hair dyed a deep copper and cut into an inverted bob.

Bear’s coming too, to have his beard tidied up and his hair shaved into a gradient. It’ll be the first time my hair’s seen scissors in 10 months. We’ve decided to take the overnight ferry to the UK. I’m not looking forward to it, the last time I went on an overnight sail it was March and very stormy. I didn’t sleep at all because the ship was being tossed around by what felt like 30 foot waves. I hope it’ll be better this time.

I haven’t done a hell of a lot today, I did my chores when Bear went to work, but that’s about it. I made egg fried rice with veggies for dinner and put chilli flakes in his, as he loves it spicy.

Broken Sleep, A Roman Museum & The Male Model

I missed posting yesterday mainly because I was exhausted, having been woken up by Bear’s alarm at 5.50am and then again at 6.20am. Then woken again by Pigeon Man’s son, shouting to himself out in the street around 8am, and then woken again by the boy child banging the living room door. Bear got up around 9.30am and I went back to sleep, only to be woken a fifth time at 10am by him coming up to tell me my coffee was getting cold.

So half asleep and blurry eyed I made my way downstairs to coffee and croissants the kids had made, because it was their last day with us. We’d decided to go to the Roman Bath-house Museum in town and I’d decided to walk it. Probably a dumb idea considering the sciatica I’ve been coping with all this week but other than lower back, hip and ankle pain, and of course bloody sore feet after walking for more than three hours, I didn’t feel too bad.

Bear thinks I was just being stubborn, we could have taken the car down to the town and parked 500 metres closer to the Museum, but I actually wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. We live on a hill, and that damn thing causes me a lot of pain, giving me backache walking down it, and knee and hip-ache walking back up it again. Which is why I cycle everywhere usually, but having lost 14 kgs over the past seven months, I wanted to see if the weight loss helped with the pain and breathlessness I usually have to deal with.

And to be honest, the hill wasn’t a major problem, I had a little lower back pain, but managed to walk into town and all around the Museum and back again, down another hill and back up the hill towards home, with only minor twinges in my hip and ankle. Of course getting home again was a massive relief, but this morning I’m not sore, other than a little in my lower back and I’m nowhere near as incapacitated as I would normally be.

We have to go into town again today, but Bear says we’re cycling, he doesn’t want to take the chance that walking that hill again will cause me more pain, after yesterday’s hike. We’re going to the tailor’s to see what they can do with my dress and Bear’s trousers for the wedding, and how much it’s going to cost. He also has an appointment with a photographer around 2pm, for a photo for a poster Bear and his college mates have to make for a mini-symposium on psychiatric patients being reintroduced into ‘normal’ society after months in a care environment.

He had an appointment last night with a photographer, who wanted to photograph him reading a book for an article for World Book Day on March 5th. I’m gonna start calling him ‘the male model’… 😀

Coffee Maid, Facial Cesspit & Over-Sensitivity, Perhaps.?

Today started at 10.50am, with me teaching the boy child how to make mine and Bear’s coffee… I always wanted a coffee maid. Now all I have to do to get the process started is bang on the floor when the kids are staying, to get a hot cup of wake-up juice waiting for me when I come downstairs. Bliss.! 🙂

The boy child is already well aware that being willing to make the coffee is going to bite him on the ass… When I asked for volunteers, his sister pretended not to hear me… she’s a smart girl sometimes… 😀 She asked me to clean her glasses earlier… Dear God, what the hell she does with them I don’t want to know.

It took over 15 minutes, with warm water and four different cloths to clean the filth off of them. She decided to leave her contact lenses at home this weekend and wear her glasses instead. Her contact lenses probably look like the bottom of a cesspit too, I shouldn’t wonder.

I have a four o’clock appointment on Saturday to have the stocking seams tattooed down the backs of my legs. Bear is still completely oblivious despite my assuring him it’s not ‘the tattoo’ I have a problem with. Subtlety goes straight over his head, but then most of the time so do breeze block heavy hints.

I’m not telling him straight out that I can’t stand his precious ex-work colleague… I don’t need the hurt looks and Spanish Inquisition-style interrogation as to why. He just wouldn’t get it. To him having a woman excitedly throw herself into his arms, while his partner is stood right next to him is totally fine.

Having said woman completely snub his partner and buy only him a beer, which he accepted, while he was sat next to his partner, is apparently also totally fine. It wouldn’t cross his mind at all that there would be something deeply offensive about said woman’s actions because he likes her.

Or maybe I’m being over-sensitive, although I really don’t think I am. What do you think.?

Predatory Monopoly: Observe, Target and Destroy

We played our first game of Stranger Things Monopoly this afternoon… Bear won, as I knew he would, despite his protestations to the contrary, with it being a game of chance… all of them are seriously competitive, while I’m not. The girl child was second, she plays strategically and buys the most expensive properties and puts buildings on them as soon as she has the full set. Bear does the same, but with more thought… he’ll buy the most expensive properties if he can, but if not, he’ll buy up the next expensive properties and trade for ones he doesn’t have.

The boy child tries to play strategically, but he’s messy and doesn’t pay attention and gets pissed off and overly competitive when he’s not keeping up with his sister or father and he talks complete bollocks constantly. The teens get mouthy and nasty when competing with each other and when one gets something the other wanted, they’re mean and smarmy and smug as fuck, winding each other up. They miss things and make mistakes. The boy child cries when he loses. Bear and the girl child hate losing and will sulk, while I don’t care one way or the other. I play the game to play it, to enjoy the highs and lows and the general sparring, whether I win or lose is irrelevant.

Bear and I are observant and while he plays the game openly, he gets sulky and huffy when things aren’t going the way he thinks they should, like when he wants to trade for a property, but the person who has the property he wants doesn’t want to trade it or when the girl child trades for property to get a set and Bear feels she’s going to beat him. He feels anyone not playing the game his way is not playing the game properly, so are holding him back. I’m a predatory player. The first time, I’ll observe my opponents and how they play.

I’ll play like a beginner, like I did today, hesitant, uncertain, watching how each one of them acts and reacts, noting their strengths and weaknesses. I’ll play it safe and make my opponent think I’m not very strategic while I quietly buy up all the mid-expense properties and place buildings on every one of them. I’m savage in trade. If the deal’s good for me, I’ll trade, regardless of the financial worth involved. Next time we play I’ll be better able to strategize, knowing who’ll be easily swayed and who won’t.

I won’t bid in auctions unless I really want something, being forced to pay too high a price for a property that won’t pay dividends isn’t worth it. The boy child would be an easy target but not a great adversary, he’s too emotional to enjoy beating. The girl child would however, make a great adversary. No point taking on Bear, his sulking and huffiness is just not worth it to beat him. I’d have to live with that shit for a good week… no thanks…

Monopoly, Burns & ‘Surprise’ Tattoos

Ellen’s decided to blow a gale and chuck it down all over us today, so we’re being lazy watching movies and playing Catan. We went to look for another game yesterday, as we’re all fed up with Bear winning every time and have ordered a Stranger Things version of Monopoly online. It should be here tomorrow. It’s not the exact same game as Monopoly, as you can go under ground and have to battle monsters and get Blinking Lights cards, but it’s very similar and there’s a chance someone other than Bear will win.

I burnt myself this afternoon, making fried egg sammiches, I held the splatter guard up in front of me while trying to manoeuvre an egg onto the spatula and bumped the splatter guard against my arm… so now I have a long red welt just above my wrist. I hope it doesn’t scar. Bear went ahead and made an appointment with a tattoo artist he knows for me for next Saturday. I’m not happy about it, as I don’t like the girl and she doesn’t like me, something Bear is of course, completely oblivious to.

Not that I can tell him because then he’ll want to know why I don’t like her and go on about how lovely she is and what a wonderful artist she is etc, etc… just because she used to work in psychiatry with him for about fourteen months, eight years ago and he treated her like a little sister; he’s already gone and had two tattoos done by her without giving me a say in it and now he expects me to allow her to ink me without having a say. I think things are going to escalate quickly between now and Saturday.

I prefer to choose my own artist and meet them first to see how I feel about them and see their work before deciding if I’m going to have them work on me, rather than choosing someone whose new to it all, got a few months experience and is likely to be cheaper than other more professional artists. 😦