Dear Diary...

Being Nice & Why I Can’t Live Amongst Humans

I’m in a happy, dance-y mood today… must be puppy overflow… I even bothered to see how my family were doing over the family FB group this morning, and went through some of the recent photos on their profiles and made nice comments… I’m not my usual unsociable ‘oblivious to everyone’ self today. 😀 It won’t last, don’t worry. Already Bear is updating me as to the extreme inhumane cruelties human beings are inflicting on each other in the face of the Corona… and I have become aware that my tolerance for stupid people, regardless of their reasoning, is decreasing exponentially.

People who are evicting family members just because they work in hospitals… Are you seriously shitting me.? People who are mugging healthcare workers at knife point for their ID… What in God’s name is wrong with them.? If you don’t look anything like that person, you can’t use the ID… so why.? I’m starting to wonder if it’s me, you know. I don’t accept that people actually believe this ridiculous behaviour is okay, and I think anyone who does behave in this manner against their fellow human, especially those they say they love, needs locking in a padded cell, because not only are they a danger to others, they’re a hazard to themselves, and I seem to be in the minority.

I just don’t understand why it happens. I don’t understand panic-buying, I don’t understand hoarding, I don’t understand victimising others, I don’t understand human beings at all. I just don’t get it. I’m as rebellious as the next person, in my own way, but if you’re told by health experts to stay indoors because you could catch a viral infection that has the potential to kill you and your loved ones, you stay the hell indoors. If they tell you to stay at least 6 feet away from the next person, you do it, don’t you.? You don’t go out jogging in groups, or having BBQ’s in the local park, or attend football matches with the kids. Or is it just me that would do as I was told by someone who knows what the hell they’re talking about.?

Granted I left the house with Bear to go grocery shopping, because he didn’t want to have to keep on ringing me to find out what he should get if they didn’t have what I’d written on the shopping list, and yes, we did get a few extra’s, but we got one extra packet of pasta, one extra box of Passata, one extra tin of kidney beans, we didn’t buy up an entire shelf of toilet paper or fight everyone for the hand sanitiser because there were only 55 bottles left… actually there weren’t, there wasn’t any left… people suck, especially in the face of adversity, and I just can’t deal with that… which is why I’ve always self-isolated, because I hate people… and that’s why.

I can’t live amongst them, or I’d kill every last one of them, not including the children. Children can be taught. See, now my happy, dance-y mood is waning… 😦 Time for music I think.

Insignificant Days, Drax The Destroyer & Mahoosive Burgers

I’m starting to forget what day it is… life just seems to flow from one day to the next with nothing of significance happening… Bear had today off, and I had no idea because I forgot to check the Google schedule he keeps… and when I did I discovered we had an appointment to go puppy watching this morning… and who wouldn’t want to go puppy watching, given the opportunity.? So I grabbed a bra and a pair of knickers and put my shoes on and we hussled out to get to the puppy place.

Where I then discovered I was to choose one. To keep. You have no idea the struggle that ensued… the sheer delight of being allowed a gorgeous, cuddly little ball of black and white fur… albeit not for a few weeks because the little darlings are not yet seven weeks old, fighting with the OCD voice that went on and on about dog hair, and wet dog smell, and fleas and walkies and furniture and stuff being damaged because puppies chew things and pee on things and poo everywhere.

O.M.G.! I wish I had a proper brain sometimes… like who cares if puppies pee, and poo and slobber and chew things and smell funny… they’re puppies, they’re supposed to. Human babies do the same thing, just not at floor level most of the time… but unfortunately, I don’t have a proper brain and mine is stupid and obsessive and overthinks shit it shouldn’t. And those puppies were so adorable and so cute and I got to choose one. And I’m going to name him Drax the Destroyer because he looks like a Drax and maybe he’ll live up to his name. 😀

So then I shut my stupid brain up by browsing the ‘Net for beds and collars and leashes and harnesses and puppy toys and training equipment and puppy friendly, eco-friendly shampoo’s and conditioners and bath toys and towels and rope chews and squeaky toys and glow in the dark jingly things and stuff that would keep a nine week old puppy entertained and happy, so it didn’t think about chewing on stuff I’d rather it didn’t. Then I made Bear sort stuff out to make room for the Pup.

So we’ve been really productive today too. And I have a puppy. And I’m not going to let my OCD ruin it. This evening Bear ordered huge burgers for dinner from my favourite burger place… and it kept me from thinking too much because it was MASSIVE and I couldn’t eat the chips because I was stuffed to bursting from the burger. So for whichever day it is today, and I honestly do not have a clue, it was a really good day. 🙂

Irony, Online Education & Returning To Normal

My sister just made me laugh out loud.! On Saturday after her wedding, she went down to the beach (in the freezing cold) and ate fish and chips with 40-50 people, dancing together, posing for photos and generally interacting normally… then today she sees a photo on Facebook of a large crowd of people waiting outside a supermarket, for it to open and comments “Loonies.! Don’t they get that they could catch the virus?” Seriously.! I’ve never had to wonder about her before, in the last few weeks it’s been almost daily…

These past few days with the children have been interesting. Every morning from 8.30am until 12pm they’ve attended school via Google Classroom, interacted with their tutors over Google Meet and even managed to get ahead of their classwork. The boy child has been over-using his stress ‘toys’, but in his place I expect I would too. He’s just moved home, doesn’t have to physically go in to school, which has thrown his routine off kilter and he’s doing his lessons through an online app., which doesn’t give him the option to ask questions and get verification. Tres stressful, poor kid.

Bear goes back to work tomorrow afternoon, after he’s taken the children home. Luckily there’s still enough food to make a meal with, so he won’t have to go shopping until Wednesday. Despite having the past 6 days off he still looks like he could do with some sleep, although the bags under his eyes have reduced a little. I’ve decided to do chips for dinner tonight… the children love them, and they and Bear see them as a treat.. and what better way to end all this time off. The children don’t get chips at home, so it’s back to pasta and fish dinners for a fortnight.

It also means I can finally get the housework done and get my home back to normal. There’s no point trying to vacuum with kids about, and Bear going in and out of the garden on a three times daily basis, walking dirt and bits of leaf in. It’s been doing my head in, but I’ve kept control of my very strong desire to clean everything and have managed to only ensure that the door handles, stair rail and toilet flusher are wiped down with a hygiene wipe three times a day. They’ve all been good, washing their hands and using disposable tissues and putting their glasses and cups in the dishwasher, so I don’t have to handle them.

I was asked by an online friend in Russia how I can stand the self-isolation. I told her I’ve been self-isolating for more than ten years, because I hate people. She totally understood. She’s just as sick of people panic buying and ignoring social distancing as the rest of us. As yet she doesn’t have to self-isolate, although she is cutting back on where she goes and changing how she gets there. Tomorrow is vegetarian sausage and pineapple curry… I know, it sounds weird to me too, but the recipe looks pretty good. 🙂

Genetic Pigheadedness & A Lack Of Ambition

Yesterday I sent my parents a message, begging them not to go to the beach after my sister’s wedding today. The group of guests who have refused to stay home is quite large and each and every one of them is a potential virus risk to my parents’ health. My father is in his 70’s and my mother’s respiratory health isn’t great. If they get the virus, they may not make it through. My mother has said she’s not keen on the beach thing, so likely won’t go, my father however, is a stubborn old bugger and will likely insist on going just to spite me. He doesn’t like being told what to do and whinges and whines about the self isolation and social distancing. The bloody fool thinks he’s invincible and that it won’t get him.

I really hope they won’t go. It will be bad enough if my sister gets the virus, without my parents getting it too. I really don’t understand why she didn’t postpone it. I guess she got the biggest hit of our father’s stubborn streak. I can be pig-headed, don’t get me wrong but when it comes to my family and friends, pig-headedness can be a major hindrance and I won’t allow that. My brother’s the same, stubborn as a mule, but he knows where the line is. Unfortunately my father and sister don’t and they don’t care either. They’re the ones who will be wondering why they’re in a hospital bed, on a ventilator, while their lungs fill with fluid and almost drown them, protesting their invincibility and incredulous that they could end up this way. There’s a couple in every family.

The children are happily watching Netflix and keeping up with their school work online. Thankfully they are both mature enough to realise that if they shirk their schoolwork now, it will come back to bite them on the ass later. The girl child wants to go into veterinary medicine, while the boy child wants a career in nuclear engineering. They certainly have the potential for it. I wish my education had been as good as theirs is. I got half a term of French language lessons while they are learning French, Greek, Latin, Spanish, German and English. I had to do Human Biology and Childcare because I was a girl, with secretarial skills as a secondary subject, these days girls can do the same subjects as boys.

It’s not really surprising I left school at 16 with terrible grades and no ambition. I eventually went to college to study Corporate Management, but it took me two years of studying English, Maths and business management by myself in the library to get onto the course. Which did me sod all good, because I ended up married with two kids by the age of 23.

Mankind Is A Sickness & The Fish and Chips Wedding

Only at a time like this.. when people are under quarantine, many are sick, more are dying and the vulnerable find themselves isolated and alone does the sickness that is the human race come into it’s own. People are offering to do shopping for the elderly and infirm, taking their money and not returning. People are breaking into the homes of the vulnerable who live alone, robbing them and stealing food from them. People are being beaten up on the streets for their shopping. Scam artists are conning people into parting with the money they need to live, with health insurance scams and fake claims of medical help.

What the actual FUCK is wrong with us..? Targeting and preying on the elderly and vulnerable at a time when the whole world, never mind the whole country is struggling and afraid, people are alone and isolated and scared of everything… single parents with young children, the elderly, those with health issues and disabilities… what the actual FUCK is wrong with people who do that kind of thing and think it is okay. They are not human, they are not even scum… they’re lower than that.! I’ve always known people were only as good as they’re next meal… and not a hell of a lot of what people do to each other surprises me.

Hoarders filling their homes with non-essentials that in time will end up in a trash heap somewhere, unused because they didn’t damn well need it in the first place just makes me so fucking angry at the level of ignorance and stupidity in people who are so utterly selfish and greedy that they don’t care about others while they’re screaming abuse at shop workers because they haven’t managed to attain that 50th roll of toilet paper, or 30th packet of pasta… Totally oblivious to the fact that it’s their own fault the shelves are empty. These are the people who complain bitterly about others behaving in exactly the same way they do.

To read of the abuses and cruelty people are inflicting on each other daily to get a few more groceries, a few more pounds/dollars/euros just for the sheer hell of doing it… not because they’re desperate for what they’re stealing but because they can, makes me glad that one day we will annihilate ourselves and it will be so well deserved. The quicker we wipe ourselves out, the quicker evolution can get back to starting again from scratch and getting it right. Mankind are the virus.

My sister’s wedding has been reduced to a ceremony. The restaurant she was having her reception at has been ordered to close by the UK Prime Minister. She flatly refuses to cancel or postpone and still doesn’t get it… she now wants to go down to the beach after the ceremony and eat fish and chips and drink beer with the guests who have turned up. It might not be 100 people, but it’s still a large enough group to pass on the virus if anyone has it. She sees herself as a warrior, triumphing against all the odds, rather than considering that there’s a damn good reason all these obstacles are being thrown in her path…

Controlling The Crazy & Scaring The Elderly

Today, I made absolutely sure my home was hygienically clean and ready for the children to come tomorrow. Both their rooms have been wiped down and every surface has been hygienically cleaned to ensure that there is nothing suspect lurking in the corners. Bear goes to collect the children at 3pm… and they will be subjected to temperature taking, throat checking and hand-washing the second they set foot in this house. I will not have them bring something suspect into my home unawares.

Bear working in the health sector means he can’t risk infection, as he works in a specialised air-conditioned unit with vulnerable adults. He tried to explain to me how to wash my hands properly… I stood and listened respectfully, and then chuckled when he realised he was trying to teach an expert. He may be the Nurse, but I’m the germophobe. I’ve been washing my hands properly up to 75 times every day for 25 years. There is nothing I don’t know about hand-washing.

It’s times like this that I need to be aware of my own vulnerability when it comes to cleanliness, there is always the chance that things will get out of my control and my OCD will take over. I’ll revert to previous behaviours and clean everything to within an inch of it’s life, including myself. So far I have control and have been able to clean what I know needs to be cleaned and am content with that. I haven’t felt that brain itch that means the crazy’s working overtime and my obsessive thoughts start intruding.

Bear had to explain to his mother why she should not have gone shopping yesterday and why she now will not be getting visitors until such time as the Corona virus precautionary measures have been lifted. Now, after reading everything there was to read online about the crisis, after having the causes and symptoms explained to her and being kept up to date as to where the outbreaks have been and how many people have died from the virus since it started here in the Netherlands, does she finally understand how serious it is and how it could cause her serious health issues for what will remain of her life if it doesn’t kill her first, if she gets it.

Two weeks after she was told to stay at home, unless it was absolutely essential, and to let her children help with shopping, errands and transport does she realise that she’s put her life at risk by stubbornly going off to the shop for a few bits of non-essential shopping. Now, she is scared. She’s not the only one who just doesn’t get it. Her husband who is 75 with failing health, failing mental health and heart disease decided he wanted to pop to the shop today, because Lidl had some good offers on some good quality foods that he likes, and he felt he was missing out.

He would have gone too, had his daughter not popped round to check on them both and found him prepping the car to go out. She gave him a very stern talking to, making it more than blatant that if he got the Corona virus, the paramedics wouldn’t even bother coming to the house to collect him. They’d let him die at home and leave his body for the morticians. She was quite harsh with him, but she was right. He is over 70, in ill health as it is, there is little chance he will survive if he gets the virus, and the paramedic services are essential elsewhere… Now, he too is scared.

I’m not sure I agree with the scare tactic when it comes to the elderly. They need to know exactly what is happening around them, the ways in which they can catch the virus, the precautions they should be taking, and why they need to self-isolate. Not be terrified with talk of them dying alone at home if they even so much as set foot outside their own home or get too close to other people. I’m not sure it helps. Yes, it gets the message across, but now both elderly people are terrified, thinking they have the virus already and fearing that they may die.

I’d rather they were appropriately cautious than lying in a hospital bed on a ventilator of course, but there are ways of getting the message across and the seriousness of the situation without resorting to scare tactics that just cause stress and fear and sleeplessness in people who are already vulnerable, and know it. I’ve sent reassurances that they are loved and valued, and that we are thinking of them and hoping that they stay safe. Bear went over tonight to reassure them.

He didn’t go in but maintained a short distance on the front path while they stood on their doorstep. He says his mother feels better now, although she is still somewhat afraid that she may already be infected and she’s promised to let him know how she feels every day and promised not to set foot outside of her property, nor let anyone else in until he tells her it’s okay. When she needs shopping she’ll let her step-daughter know, or she’ll let him know.

My sister’s wedding is becoming ever more a train wreck. As of today, she is allowed only 5 people at her wedding ceremony. The priest, herself, her husband and 2 witnesses. I only hope that’s not the case with the reception afterwards.

The Salon Goddess, Dropping Like Flies & The Stubborn Ass Mommy.!

Yesterday, my stylist reinstated her situation as open for business, having told her client base she was having to close due to the virus. She was then informed that she could remain open as long as she only allowed one client into her salon at a time and made sure she used a special cleaning fluid provided for her on every surface before and after every client to ensure everyone’s protection. This morning I got my appointment. I was supposed to have it yesterday morning, but because of the cancellation missed it, so Bear asked for it to be reinstated this morning.

So now my hair is a deep copper colour and all the yucky greeny/blonde is covered up. My salon Goddess only had to trim an inch off the bottom, as we suddenly realised now that my hair was darker, just how long it had gotten and I changed my mind about the inverted bob. I was going to do it differently anyway as I remembered how bloody infuriating having my hair poking into the back of my neck actually is, so I was going for a shoulder length blunt cut… then saw how long my hair was… all change again… still went for the blunt cut… just a lot longer than it was going to be.

So good to get rid of that greeny/blonde

So I’m happy and feel better. My poor sister however is facing a bit of a disaster, as my brother and his wife have had to pull out of attending her wedding on Saturday, as my sister-in-law has asthma and has been ordered by her doctor not to travel. So they’re not going now. Apparently, a lot of the guests have pulled out due to the risk of getting the Coronavirus, and the fear of spreading it to their loved ones. They seem to be dropping like flies. My sister is of course, still adamant that it’s going ahead regardless…

The issue now is that my parents are driving up to see her tomorrow and staying in a hotel, and my Mum’s friend, who has asthma and high blood pressure will be going up on Saturday morning on public transport.! I’m concerned about that, as it would not be a wise move. If she contracts the virus it could well be game over… and my sister will be devastated (as will my mother) if anything happens to her. I wish my sister would rethink and postpone, but I know she won’t…

We had to tell The Mommy off today too. First, her youngest son rings up and asks if there’s anything she needs, and says that he can get her shopping done and delivered to her online if need be, so she doesn’t have to go out. She tells him she has everything she needs and won’t be going out. Then Bear calls later in the day and asks the same thing, offering to get anything she needs and bring it over, leaving it on her doorstep. She tells him she’s good and everything’s okay and she’ll be staying in.

Her step-daughter calls and asks the same thing, and her step-granddaughter.! After all these people showing concern for her health and well-being and offering to get anything she needs and bring it to her… she only goes out and does a load of shopping for herself.!! She’s 72, has heart problems and high blood pressure… Jeez..! I sure know now who Bear gets his stubbornness from… 😦

Making The Decision Amid The Spreading Plague

I took the decision to put a stop to our travel plans. We are not going to my sister’s wedding this weekend. The children will be coming here on Friday afternoon as they would normally and Bear is now calmer and happier than he was yesterday. He seemed to think he had to make the decision for me because it being my family, I was too close to the situation. Personally, had he decided for me, I would have been seriously pissed off. I am perfectly capable of making decisions for myself.

The fact that he hates making decisions told me he was stressing about it, so I took it out of his hands. I told my sister this morning. She seemed totally fine about it, amid other fears of having to cancel the majority of her plans as the UK is currently re-amending their precautionary measures too. If the restaurant she’s booked her reception at closes, she could lose all the money she paid for it. The ceremony won’t be cancelled, but she could end up with only immediate family as groups of more than 100 people gathering in one place are now banned.

It’s definitely not what she envisioned for her special day, and if I was her I’d be pissed off. She refuses to postpone it though, despite her father-in-law-to-be having a weak immune system. If he got Corona he wouldn’t last long. I get why she won’t. She’s waited so long to find her other half, and planned and organised and got everything arranged exactly as she wants it, and now suddenly, within 24 hours, things have gone from planned to wrecked.

The only thing she has some control over is the actual ceremony and she’s not about to lose that, come hell or high water… or the damn plague. I only hope it goes without a hitch, having her wedding guests contract the virus at her wedding would be devastating. Just so it doesn’t depress me any further, I’ve put my dress away and packed my new shoes away, no reason for them to just sit and collect dust. My stylist cancelled yesterday too. She has to close her salon so as not to spread any contagen.

To Go Or Not To Go, That Is The Question

It’s looking very much like we won’t be going to the UK for my sister’s Wedding this weekend. This weekend was supposed to be a kid weekend, but because we were booked and ready to go to the UK, Bear’s brother said he’d have the children for the weekend, but has now said that he may not be able to, because his partner works in childcare in a hospital, and none of us have any idea how healthy Bear’s kids are, and she doesn’t want to risk getting the Coronavirus and passing it on to the children she works with, unawares.

We don’t have a plan B for the children, and it’s only a matter of time before the Dutch government impose a travel ban. And if they do it after we’ve left the country, we may not be able to get back in, which leaves us in the lurch, stranded in the UK with no idea how long it will be until we can get home again. So far, the Dutch precautionary notices are valid until April 6th. So that may be the earliest we can get back if we are stranded. It’s all too much risk for the sake of a Wedding.

Bear’s getting stressed now, just as I’m calmer and more focused on the issue, and I know it’s up to me to cancel it. It just makes me feel even less a member of my own family than I already did. I’ve always been the black sheep, because I’ve always been the one to rebel against parental control, I ran away from home, I got married at 19 and invited my birth mother to my wedding, so my father and stepmother refused to attend. I distanced myself from my family, and then I moved away to Northern Ireland, then Germany, now the Netherlands.

I’m the estranged daughter because I don’t forgive or forget as easily as everyone else, and I don’t accept the BS excuses everyone else does for treating people like shit, and I don’t respect my parents just because they’re my parents. They’ve done some seriously vicious, abusive things in the past and unlike my siblings, I won’t just brush it under the carpet and pretend it’s all in the past. So I doubt very much if anyone will miss me or even give a shit if I turn up or not. It’ll just be me being me again.

Sex For Stress & Being Unexpectedly Productive

This morning started as yesterday ended, with sex, and no-one was more surprised about that than me. Bear’s been pretty distant the past few weeks and I totally understand that he’s been busy and has a lot on his mind, so is tired and not really in the mood for anything more affectionate than a peck on the lips and a cuddle, so last night’s enthusiasm for more than a cuddle was a nice surprise and this morning’s continuation was an even bigger one.

I find sex to be a great stress reliever and with that relief comes a calmer, more peaceful and focused approach to whatever my current stress is. There is a high chance we won’t be able to make it to the wedding on Saturday. There have been a number of Corona Virus cases in our town and in a neighbouring town, and closing the Dutch borders to travellers is under serious consideration. It means I won’t get to see my son, or meet his fiancee and that we’ll have lost the small fortune we spent on clothes, shoes, my tattoo and the hotel. Thankfully, the ferry company lets you transfer your journey to another time.

I would have gotten my hair done anyway, the wedding just seemed like a good excuse to get it done, otherwise I would have done it closer to my birthday in a few months. The tattoo probably wouldn’t have been done. There seems little point in stressing about it, so I’m not anymore. If we can’t go, we can’t go. We’ll just have to save the outfits for another occasion if and when one presents itself and wish my sister all the luck in the world that her wedding goes as well as she hopes.

Earlier today I decided to clean my front window and started a ripple effect of productivity I didn’t mean to set in motion, but now that jobs have actually gotten done and with none of the usual tutting and sighing, I’m pretty pleased it happened that way. I pulled the furniture out into the middle of the room, to get to the window, and discovered a swath of black mould along the wall under the window… there’s a hole in the front wall outside next to the front steps that Bear has been saying he’ll deal with since… forever.

I showed him the black mould and how bad it was on the inside wall, so he went outside and filled the hole with expanding foam and filler to seal it, while I scrubbed the walls and cleaned up as much of the mould as I could. Then he came in and helped do the worst of it, because my shoulders weren’t happy about all the pressure from scrubbing. Then he went shopping for me and got some mould-killing spray and sprayed it on when he got back. I cleaned the window.

Then he took me to Ikea to get some new blinds, as the ones we have now are seven years old and made from a very fragile non-cleanable material. They’re going yellow from all the cooking that’s been done and all of our fingerprints from moving them about so much over the years, and I hate that they can’t be washed. So we replaced them. After Ikea we went to the garden centre to get some composting soil for the garden.

Our soil is terrible, it doesn’t hold moisture, so doesn’t hold nutrients and is mostly sand and silt, very little actually grows in it, so we try to give it a boost every Spring and Summer with 160-200 litres of composted soil. We were also looking for a really big round patio planter, but they only had the smaller versions left, so we didn’t bother, passing through the flower section on our way out where I saw a gorgeous purple and mango coloured honeysuckle plant.

Bear saw a Ceanothus that climbs and decided to give that a try. We’ve had 3 previous stand alone ceanothus plants that are supposed to bush out on a long stalk…. every one of them has died… the last one ‘Connie’ lasted a couple of years, but eventually gave up and died on us a couple years ago. So now Bear’s decided to try again with a climbing version. He sure has staying power, I’ll give him that. I’ve given up on Ceanothus’, I’ll stick with Buddleias for my ‘pretty’ fix. I’ve never had issues with buddleias.

We came home, and Bear went straight out into the garden to re-home the honeysuckle and Ceanothus and made a teepee around the blackberry brambles with the longer garden poles and got them off the ground and circled around the teepee, so the damn slugs can’t get to them this summer. I pruned the raspberry bush, while he re-potted my Bromelia and the avocado plant he’s grown from an avocado stone and tamed my crazy buddleia, which is again intent on garden domination.