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Chewbacca, The Walking Dead & The Puppy Training Experts

Since DRAX the Destroyer came home on Wednesday he’s done nothing but chew… fucking EV.ER.Y.THING.!!!!!! If it’s not nailed down he eats it, if it is, he chews on it and licks it and tries to drag it away… and that includes the humans. Every one of my fingers has teeth marks on it, my toes have teeth marks, my legs have teeth marks, my clothing has teeth holes in. The sofa has been chewed, his crate has been chewed, his travel crate has been chewed and his bed has been chewed. I had to brush the patio on Saturday because he went out to explore for the first time and ate every dead leaf, cobweb, granule of dirt and bug he could get his mouth around… and he’s not even teething yet.!

Our bikes have been chewed, the bags of compost have been chewed, the plants are damned lucky to be too far for his teeth to reach in their patio pots, but it won’t be long before he’ll get them too. He’s tried to chew on the back door and the kitchen cabinets, both handles and doors. He has chew toys, but apparently they’re not as much fun as chewing everything he’s not supposed to. He’s in serious danger of being re-named Chewbacca.! Since Wednesday, Bear and I have been lucky to manage 4 hours sleep a night… Bear gets his when I get up and stay up at 5.10am, having been up at 1.15am, 2.35am and 3.50am, I get mine when Bear gets up at 8am, and I go back to bed.

What the hell we’re going to do when Bear goes back to early shifts on Saturday I don’t know… I’m hoping puppy will be sleeping a little while longer by then. He should be sleeping between 2 and 3 hours per bladder emptying, but as yet, he’s not managing two… I’m almost dead on my feet from lack of sleep, and Bear’s not far behind. Whoever said having a puppy was fun needs their head caved in with a shovel. It’s like having a newborn at night, and a precocious toddler during the day. You don’t dare take your eyes off him for a second… he’ll either find something to chew on, or use the floor as a toilet because he has an issue with the puppy training pads.

On the bright side, he figured out the training pads on his second try on day one. Day two he decided not to bother with them at all, and on day three changed his mind and decided it was probably better if he peed where he was supposed to, because that way he got treats. So far so good, except for the odd accident or deliberate wetting on the floor because the pad offends him. Bear’s still all loved up about him and thinks he’s wonderful. I’m more on the ‘hang on in there and it’ll get better eventually’ side of the equation. He’s as cute as a button, but damned hard work. And I know when he sleeps more than three hours, decides to pee where he’s meant to despite his issues with his training pads and stops chewing each and every part of me and my clothing, he’ll be wonderful to me too.

The kids on the other hand have overshot that mark with me. Thanks to the lockdown, they get to stay two extra days after their usual weekend because they don’t have school, physically and Bear wants to be more hands on when he has the chance… except that today and tomorrow he’s working late shifts… so I have to be more hands on for him.! And I’ll be very hands on if they both don’t shut the fuck up going on about how great they are at puppy training, having been told by a friend of their mother’s how to deal with their own dog, when it was a puppy over two years ago.

The smug satisfaction they take, informing me that I need to ignore my puppy crying while he’s in the crate during dinner, and then sticking their faces up close to the side of the crate and telling him he’s stuck in there and he needs to learn to accept it. I wonder how quickly they’ll learn to accept it when I force them into the cage and ignore them. They tell the puppy no, when he starts trying to bite them, but don’t tell him he’s a good boy when he stops. They’re full of all the things they did with their dog, who’s female and a different breed, when she was a pup and seem to think I appreciate their experience and insight, delivered with their usual smug, smart ass attitudes.

Right now, I can’t wait for them to go home.

claytoonz

Nationally Syndicated Editorial Cartoonist

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