Martian Slavery, Expecting Too Much & The Food Stalker

Sometimes I wonder just how dumb the human race has to become before evolution pulls the plug on us all.? We’ve been devolving for quite some time now and even I’m amazed at the depths of utter stupidity some humans can realise. It’s almost like there’s a competition. “Dumbest motherfucker on the planet gets their name in the Guinness Book of Records” and hopefully sterilised, for free. Martian slavery is apparently the latest ‘conspiracy theory’. NASA have been abducting babies and sending them on a 20 year journey to Mars, so they can be enslaved when they get there. They’ve been doing this for decades apparently and now the jig is up!! No. Seriously. This is a thing… NASA even had to deny that they had been doing this. It’s not even a facepalm moment, it’s a ‘are you really that fucking stupid.?’ moment. Robert David Steele needs to be barred from watching re-runs of The X-Files.

Yesterday, the wireless headphones Bear bought me arrived. After spending two and a half weeks being subjected to the girl child’s high-pitched, staccato cackle I was this close ‘-‘ to a complete meltdown. Irritated beyond comprehension by the lack of Bear’s control over his bloody annoying daughter, both were in the firing line of my damned-near volcanic temper. I’d been wearing my headphones and turning Spotify up louder and louder until my eardrums were vibrating, yet still that high-pitched yowl was getting through and causing my nerves to twang painfully when to top it all off, one side of the headphones stopped working as the cable was frayed and the wires inside had broken. Eventually I went upstairs with a throbbing headache to get some peace… to no avail. The boy child was hovering, as he does whenever there might be something to see or hear and my appearance in my bedroom at 7pm is somewhat unusual, especially since I shut the door and kept the light switched off.

Of course he thinks he’s being all nonchalant, just going to the bathroom and back to his room, when actually he’s prowling, pausing outside my bedroom door to try to hear something. Bear came up to find out why I’d been gone for more than 40 minutes and got an earful, which of course the boy child was happily listening in on and reporting back to his sister downstairs via WhatsApp. He’s going to be the next recipient of my wrath if he’s not very careful. Bear being Bear, immediately goes downstairs to look up new headphones for me, making them wireless so I can move around the house and snug fitting to ensure the girl child’s ‘murdering-a-cat’ cackle can’t get through. Of course he’s not going to tell his precious child to shut the hell up or go and sit in her room and cackle rather than doing it in the living room. That would be expecting too much.

Every other weekend, when Bear’s two youngest stay over, the boy child spends all day and night in his room. A typical teenage boy he only appears when there’s the potential for food. So much so that the potential for food seems to be whenever he hears me in the kitchen. Suddenly he’ll be behind me, craning his neck over my shoulder to see what I’m doing while pretending he’s only there to get a drink. He’s starting to piss me off.! These past two weeks Bear and the kids have been glued to the Olympics… all day, every day. They’ve only moved when I’ve provided food. Now I’m a sports fan, but I’m not their level of sports fan. So, being bored out of my mind on a daily basis, I’ve baked pretty much everything you can bake with blackberries, raspberries, blackcurrants and cherries in it. When I made muffins, the boy child ‘needed a drink’ just as I was mixing the batter, and then reported back that I was making cake.

When I made fruit bars, he had to come and wash his hands at the kitchen sink, and was then heard to announce that I was making more cake. When I made blackberry jam, I had to boil it for 10 minutes without the lid on. Suddenly there he was, stood at the fridge door, on tiptoe, craning his neck so far off his shoulders to see over my shoulder and into the saucepan I was stood in front of. He’s vehemently denied that he’s damned nosey, but every time I’m baking something he’ll suddenly appear. I may ban him from the kitchen whenever I’m in it. He’s developed a habit of leaving his bedroom door ajar so he can listen in on whatever’s going on elsewhere in the house. His bedroom is just across the hall from the bathroom and I really don’t like that he’s listening in on people using the bathroom instead of shutting his door and minding his own business.

It’s bothered me for quite some time and when I brought it up he strenuously denied that he listened when people were in the bathroom, so I asked why his earbuds were only ever partially in his ears and not in them properly if he’s listening to music or the audio version of the latest book he’s reading or listening to a Podcast as he says he is.? He said so he can hear if he’s called for dinner. I called him for dinner that night. I stood at the living room door and said his name. I didn’t raise my voice, if anything I lowered it a little just to see if he’d hear. He did, and if he could hear me, he could hear the rest of us using the bathroom. Now whenever I go upstairs, I close his door, loudly.!

claytoonz

Nationally Syndicated Editorial Cartoonist

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