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My Body’s Trying To Kill Me.!

After more than a year of putting up with my body trying to kill me, I finally went to see the doc and ended up here… in an MRI machine. It took it upon itself in early October 2020 to begin a campaign of terror in an effort to either kill me (my preferred option) or convince me that it was finally time to do something about the pain in my hips and lower back that had been going on, on and off, for more than a decade. Now, I know I have osteoarthritis, I’ve had it for nigh on sixteen years and was diagnosed in Germany in 2007-8 and I know the majority of my pain is caused by it, but the sudden onset of agonising pain was a surprise.

Apparently my body had had enough of said surprise, so proceeded to attempt a coup, randomly throwing me against stairs, the sofa, the bed and any other hard and very painful object by making my right leg give way beneath me. My balance wasn’t up to par before this bodily charade, but at this point I couldn’t even stand on my own two feet without being in agonising pain. I conceded the point and went to my favourite sadist, who prodded, poked and amazingly didn’t decide to stick a needle in me.!! Instead he sent me to the knee specialist, as we were of the opinion that my knee was likely the culprit. The knee was almost entirely innocent.

The knee specialist confirmed the knee was innocent, but felt the issue might be neurological, so referred me to the neurologist who sent me for an x-ray. Which solved the mystery in one foul swoop. My issue wasn’t neurological either. The guilty party was my right hip, which with no cartilage support to keep it from rattling around in there, was happily rubbing up against my sciatic nerve when the fancy took it, which was what was causing my leg to collapse and causing the agonising pain. With no cartilage left in my hip joint there was only one solution… a referral to the orthopaedic surgeon.

Who took one look at the lack of cartilage and told me I needed a hip replacement, stat.! So here we are… lying in an extremely cosy (yes, I’m claustrophobic) and very noisy magnetised tube, with headphones on listening to the radio between scans and wondering if I’ll develop superpowers…

claytoonz

Nationally Syndicated Editorial Cartoonist

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